“Hi, my name is Samantha… and I”m a perfectionist with OCD.” “Hi, Samantha.”
Yep – I’m a perfectionist with OCD, but not in the way you would attribute to these behaviors. I’m not the person who has everything color coded, unless you’re talking about my spreadsheets (LOVE my spreadsheets!), or the person who has everything pristine-clean and stacked exactly so, or any of the other random ideas you probably have of either of these.
Now, you may be thinking, ‘Samantha, you already shared this – we know.’ But this post is about grace, and it’s hard for me to talk about grace without highlighting these two attributes for myself. I think, when you consider your own life, you’ll see something there that you can replace either of these with, and find that it is an exact fit for you, too.
Like I said, both of these behaviors manifest in different ways, for different situations. While I can have a bit of the quintessential qualities, most of mine are produced in silence. Just looking from the outside in, you won’t notice that these are two things I grapple with on a daily basis. Some days I come out the winner, and other days I just accept the loss – but never forget.
I’m a planner, and when I invest a lot of thought and consideration into a project, it’s disappointing when it doesn’t come out the way I expected – but I pivot and trick my brain into thinking the new direction is what we really wanted the whole time.
I’m detail-oriented and compartmentalize, but sometimes don’t know how to integrate this in with others. That’s why, working in a position where I’m solo for certain tasks is perfect. I keep my responsibilities plugged into labeled folder tiers for digital archiving and binders for specific categories that I have physical items for. When life gets crazy, I hit a ‘reset day’ and focus on just the organization and putting the system back together. (This one is definitely an OCD habit – because the satisfaction of ‘everything has a place, everything has a home’ being fulfilled gives me such a sense of peace.)
I can hyper-focus and crank out a high-volume of quality productivity, but there are things that have to be in place for it to happen. I keep a notebook next to me for when random ideas (which happen all the time) suddenly hit, I have timers set to get up and talk to people, use the restroom, or eat food (otherwise I completely forget these things – people then ask if I’m ok or they think I’m hiding, I get sick, or end up having brain fog from inadequate brain fuel), and I have to wear noise-cancelling headphones and know that I’m not officially responsible for anything but the task I’m working on in the moment (meaning someone else is covering the other tasks) — otherwise, I’ll greet every sound of the door, react to every ping of email to knock it out immediately, or even get distracted by new ideas/brainstorming when someone talks about new projects – even when they didn’t ask for help. This is especially distressful when someone is really needing something specific from me that I should have been working on the whole time but got distracted.
You can pivot, reorganize, ignore, and all the other things for a while, but when other essential well-being functions slip, like proper nutrition, self-care, adequate sleep, etc… those are the days that the resilience of overcoming these behaviors is lost, leading to a ‘loss’ for the day.
And here’s the part where most people say the same thing: “Give yourself some grace…”
Yep – title statement and the main point of my post today.
I’m the first to admit, I beat myself up over the shortfalls I have, or blame myself when things are actually outside of my control. I’m not perfect – while I strive for the fulfillment of what my brain considers to be the ‘perfect’ completion of a task or goal, I’m not.
And when things trigger depression, anxiety, or other stress responses, you’ll still see me start to shift things into right angles/symmetry. I guess I figure if my mind is in a tangle, the things around me shouldn’t be.
And when I’m overwhelmed (which can happen with justifiably big situations, or even over the smallest little detail — it just depends on what pushes the lid off the bottle I keep pouring things into), I’ll still strive to reset my space and regroup in a way that people will think is maybe an inappropriate response to a situation, but is necessary to give my brain time to process, otherwise I shut down.
“Give yourself some grace…”
I think I bypass remembering to give myself grace because I don’t think I’ve earned it. And that’s a script I’m constantly having to rewrite for myself. God doesn’t have a finite amount of grace to share with us – grace cannot be exhausted.
I am just as worthy of his grace and mercy as the people I find it easy to extend grace and mercy to in my life. Even with the exact same situation, I can offer these things to someone else without a blink – so why can’t I for myself? Is it because I think the situation isn’t worthy of it, or do I think I’m not worthy of it?
I subscribe to Faithbox, and each month they include a devotional with a one-word theme. This month, they’re focusing on Grace. And somehow, the devotional each month has been exactly the keyword of what’s happening in my life at the time.
“Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.” – John 1:16
The devotional for today features this scripture, and it gives me hope. Grace is given in place of grace already given. It’s not a one-time dip into the living water to be renewed. It’s something that can be done over and over again, offering grace for the big things and also the day-in/day-out moments. I can do my part to share grace and mercy with others, being a reflection of what God has done for me in my life.
There is no quota to hit – no magic number I have to achieve. I do not have to earn what is freely and abundantly given.
Are you struggling with giving yourself grace?
While it’s not something that can be changed overnight, I know there are things I can add to my day that help me stay connected with God, and the grace he so freely offers.
- Spend time in meditation and prayer
- Read the Scriptures, focusing on the areas that highlight grace, mercy, and God’s abundant love
- Listen to podcasts that highlight grace and spiritual disciplines to bring us closer to God
- Connect with a small group or church family
- Be part of corporate prayer, which helps us to see areas we may be overlooking in ourselves
- Work through a Bible Study that focuses on grace and mercy
- Call a friend to be a sounding board and to help see things from another perspective
- Ask yourself: “What would I say to a friend who was struggling with the same situation?“
These are a few of the things I turn to, but I know there are many more ways. And I can go more days than not giving myself adequate grace when I feel like I miss the mark. But the biggest reminder I like to stay focused on is that God wants me to bring my authentic self to him — every day, every way.
He does not ask for the perfection — he knows we can’t obtain it. He doesn’t ask for me to know exactly what to say or pray — he already knows my heart. And he doesn’t expect me to earn his love and grace — he gives these freely to us. We just have to believe, obey the teachings, and trust him with our whole heart.
If you’re looking for a church community to connect with, I know just the place that wants nothing more than for you to come as you are, with an open heart. 🧡
You can connect with Aldersgate Abilene at http://www.aldersgateabilene.org or reach out to the church office for more info (office@aldersgateabilene.org)
A friend I work with recently said that church is where the broken come to heal… and it really resonated with me. I go to be filled, to find healing, and to give back to others what I’ve found at Aldersgate.
Would you like to see how Aldersgate can do this for you? 🫶
Sprinkle some joy in the comments! 🎨